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Young Writers Society



The Quest for the Amulet of Destiny

by Moriah Leila


My chapters are long so I will divide them into sections. This is just a sampling, there is more to come! But be brutally honest and let me know what needs to be fixed. This is my first attempt at Fantasy fiction.

Amarie stood on the shore of the Sapphire Lake, the wind whispering nature's secrets through the leaves of the surrounding aspens. She pushed back a stray strand of auburn hair, a basket of herbs in the crook of her elbow. The surface of the deep blue lake looked like rippled glass. Sapphire Lake was a place of serenity where Amarie could collect her thoughts like spilled marbles. The meditation was a necessity to keep her senses sharp and to keep herself alive.

As of late the thoughts that seemed to be taking about the most space in her brain were those of her parents. Amarie felt more like they were donations than actual parents. Her father had never really wanted her, he made it perfectly clear that his affections were reserved for his son. Since that son was never provided Amarie learned how to hunt, swordsmanship, and other skills to impress him. He gave her his auburn hair and discipline but never the affection and acceptance she really craved.

Her mother seemed like a frail woman, soft spoken and physically petite. But living with Amarie's father for so long had hardened her heart and her defense had become sorcery. She secretly showed Amarie which herbs would heal and which ones could kill. She taught Amarie the skills of a mindbender and was the one that honed Amarie's senses to match those of a High Elf. And in the end she entrusted Amarie with her bitterness for all men.

Then at the age of fifteen her mother finally had her vegence and killed both her father and herself. Being an orphan had suited Amarie just fine. She roamed the wild land of Tarasova, increasing her skill as a Ranger and a Sorceress. But now, here in the land of Chevara where she had settled temporarily she wondered what her parents would think of her presently. Would her father have ever accepted her? Did her mother truly care that Amarie master the skills she taught her or had all of their lessons been to spite her father?

Glancing over her shoulder she watched the amber sun sink below the horizon silhouetting the city of Chevara. Sighing, she retrieved her ivory cloak from a nearby boulder where she had discarded it earlier. Fastening the wool around her neck she gave the lake one last contemplative glance and turned toward the city walls. She knew that being out after dark was a risky move.

The bow and arrows strapped across her back gave her courage. She could decapitate any advisary within mere seconds with the short sword sheathed in a leather scabbard at her side. And should either of these weapons fail her Amarie was confident of the damage she could inflict with the daggers hidden in each of her black boots. Still, Amarie found herself quickening her pace as the sky began to turn a dark violet.

The sky had turned an inky black dotted with few silver stars when Amarie finally reached the gates of Chevara. She trudged up the cobblestone road to a tall, thin building seemingly wedged between two similar structures. A wooden sign over the door, although faded, read Chevara Inn & Tavern. Bright golden light and the loud noises of the busy establishment flooded the night air as Amarie opened the door.

Amarie made her way up the stairs to her rented room and discarded her herbs and her cloak on the feather-filled mattress. She slung her bow and arrows over the back of a wooden chair and unbuckled her scabbard from the black belt around her waist. She considered ordering a hot meal to her room but felt that tonight she needed to be surrounded by others. And the mere thought of food made her stomach grumble audibly.


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Tue Jun 24, 2008 7:53 am
Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



This chapter is weighed down in detail. If you have to split your chapter up into sections, then that is an indication that it is too long and boring. Chapters should flow seamlessly, so that the mere thought of breaking them up is unthinkable.

Amarie stood on the shore of the Sapphire Lake, the wind whispering nature's secrets through the leaves of the surrounding aspens. She pushed back a stray strand of auburn hair, a basket of herbs in the crook of her elbow. The surface of the deep blue lake looked like rippled glass. Sapphire Lake was a place of serenity where Amarie could collect her thoughts like spilled marbles. The meditation was a necessity to keep her senses sharp and to keep herself alive.


It isn't that these sentences are bad, it simply doesn't seem like the right way to start a story. This is a reflective scene, what you need is something with a little more action. More show, less tell.

As of late the thoughts that seemed to be taking about the most space in her brain were those of her parents. Amarie felt more like they were donations than actual parents. Her father had never really wanted her, he made it perfectly clear that his affections were reserved for his son. Since that son was never provided Amarie learned how to hunt, swordsmanship, and other skills to impress him. He gave her his auburn hair and discipline but never the affection and acceptance she really craved.

Her mother seemed like a frail woman, soft spoken and physically petite. But living with Amarie's father for so long had hardened her heart and her defense had become sorcery. She secretly showed Amarie which herbs would heal and which ones could kill. She taught Amarie the skills of a mindbender and was the one that honed Amarie's senses to match those of a High Elf. And in the end she entrusted Amarie with her bitterness for all men.

Then at the age of fifteen her mother finally had her vegence and killed both her father and herself. Being an orphan had suited Amarie just fine. She roamed the wild land of Tarasova, increasing her skill as a Ranger and a Sorceress. But now, here in the land of Chevara where she had settled temporarily she wondered what her parents would think of her presently. Would her father have ever accepted her? Did her mother truly care that Amarie master the skills she taught her or had all of their lessons been to spite her father?


Ugh, a monologue about how cruel her step-father is and how her mother is the only one who cares about her. Why the heck do we need to hear about this, when it is far more interesting to see it?

Also, her mother was fifteen when she killed her father? You mean that Amarie was 15 when her mother killed her father. Vengeance is also mis-spelled.

Also, I'm beginning to see signs that you have a perfect character.

1. She's an orphan. Not only does this provide cheap drama for the character, but it also means that the character has no reason not to go on a quest.

2. She is proficient with knives, swords, and bows and arrows. Never mind that swords are expensive and that she's spent most of her time alone. She learned it from her father, who, despite being cold-hearted and un-caring, still decided to put the significant time and energy into training a girl how to fight like a man. Also keep in mind that most common peasants weren't able to afford a sword, much less how to wield a sword properly.

3. She knows magic. Her mother taught her herbs in secret, despite the fact that there is no reason for their properties to be a secret. It would be important for the girl to know what herbs to pick for healing (since she would be gathering them) and it would also be important for the girl to know which herbs were poisonous (so she wouldn't pick them by mistake.) She also taught her how to be a mindbender, apparently she was skilled enough that she could be as good as high-elves, despite the fact that her mother has no special background as a sorceress. Indeed, for all we know she has as much expertise in magic as her husband.

4. Since she is a successful warrior woman who was taught by her angry mother, then she must hate all men. Nevermind that she craves her father's acceptance and that it was her mother that went berserk and killed her father. Despite having no bad encounters with men, she still is bitter towards them.

So, the character doesn't seem realistic and the story starts off on the wrong foot. More action, less monologue. More show, less tell.




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Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:36 pm
Tatra wrote a review...



A great start of a story, although I do agree that we could at least get deeper into foreshadowing to give the reader more of a hook. I'll just try and remember that this is only part one of the chapter. But, the glimpses you've given us of Amarie and your world are interesting.

Sapphire Lake was a place of serenity where Amarie could collect her thoughts like spilled marbles.

Is Sapphire Lake where Amarie always goes to meditate, or is it just one spot that she found in her travels that works? Also, I would like it if you would connect the underlined parts to the 'thoughts' a bit more, saying that the thoughts were like spilled marbles.

The meditation was a necessity to keep her senses sharp and to keep herself alive.

This is a good part of the foreshadowing, but the part that comes after it doesn't quite fit.

As of late the thoughts that seemed to be taking about the most space in her brain were those of her parents.

You go from suggesting that she has to fight to stay alive, to her only thinking about her dead parents. We get all hyped up, wondering what the threat is, and then you go on to something low-key. If she has to be alert, should she really be thinking obsessively about her parents?

Amarie felt more like they were donations than actual parents.

How exactly can a person be a donation? I don't think that word quite fits, you might want to pick a better one to get your point across.

Since that son was never provided Amarie learned how to hunt, swordsmanship, and other skills to impress him

I would like more on the son. Why didn't he provide? What is the brother doing now? Why isn't Amarie with her brother?

He gave her his auburn hair and discipline, but never the affection and acceptance she really craved.

Comma added.

And, in the end, she entrusted Amarie with her bitterness for all men.

Commas for the appositive.

Then at the age of fifteen her mother finally had her vegence and killed both her father and herself. Being an orphan had suited Amarie just fine.

I would really like more to this part. I mean, you did say that living with her father was hard, but it just seems really random to have one line for her mother finally snapping. Plus, 'herself' really doesn't work there, because the way you started it as 'her mother' makes it seem as though her mother killed Amarie.

And, if Amarie liked being an orphan, why are all of her thoughts currently centered on her parents? What brought this on?

Did her mother truly care that Amarie master the skills she taught her, or had all of their lessons been to spite her father?

Comma.

Glancing over her shoulder, she watched the amber sun sink below the horizon--silhouetting the city of Chevara

Comma again and, for a change, a hyphen.

Fastening the wool cloak around her neck, she gave the lake one last contemplative [s]glance[/s] look and turned toward the city walls.

Works better to clarify that the wool was her cloak, added comma, and you used 'glance' in the last paragraph.

The bow and arrows strapped across her back gave her courage, though. Also, she could decapitate any adversary within mere seconds with the short sword [s]sheathed in a leather scabbard[/s] at her side. And, should either of these weapons fail her, Amarie [s]was confident of the damage she could inflict with[/s] had the daggers hidden in each of her black boots.

This whole paragraph needed to be better connected, so that it's not just a list of her weapons. Then, there was the misspelling. Also, I don't think that you need to clarify that the sword was in the scabbard, as that's where swords usually are. Commas, again; you might want to look up appositives online. Also, I don't think you need another phrase about the damages she could cause with the weapons, I think you only need to say that she had more weapons to defend herself with.

She trudged up the cobblestone road to a tall, thin building, seemingly wedged between two similar structures.

Comma.

She considered ordering a hot meal to her room but felt that tonight she needed to be surrounded by others. [s]And [/s] The mere thought of food made her stomach grumble audibly.

I do have to wonder why she feels the specific need to be around others, as she doesn't seem like the type of person to like others. But, I shall have to read the next part of this chapter to see more. Also, I don't think that you need the 'And' at the beginning of the sentence, though you might want to add more to connect it as a reason to go downstairs.

All in all, an interesting start to a story. I do like Amarie as a character, although I would like to get to know her in the present day, instead of by her background. It would be a bit nice to have some part of the present day before going back into her background, so we can see how the background fits into who she is. All that beginning with this does is tell the reader, not show the reader.

But, I try and keep in mind that this is only part of the first chapter. Although, on that topic, you might want to lengthen the amount of the chapter that you post at one time. It might not be smart to post 3000+ words, as that's really a lot to read in one sitting, but posting less than 1000 words doesn't give the reader much to comment on. Maybe try posting around 1500 words, to maybe half of your chapter. Don't worry, you won't get bitten. :D

Off to review the next part. Good luck with your writing!




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Sat Jun 21, 2008 11:23 pm
darthsythious wrote a review...



It is a very nice began but I agree with Dream of the Faith above when he said that you gave too much background. I say that you wait and slowly delve into Amarie's past. I love that name too, it is very nice for a fantasy. Amarie seems very interesting so far. In my opinion she seems somewhat dark. It seems like she is going to have a twisted personality. I love the fathers resentment and how he tried to turn her into his son and then pushes her away when he gets the son he was waiting for. I hope the son also pops up later in the story, I feel like she won't be to friendly to him. I can't read the second section right now but I will give my 2 cents some other time.




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Sat Jun 21, 2008 1:52 pm
Squall wrote a review...



Hey there.

As of late the thoughts that seemed to be taking about the most space in her brain were those of her parents.


I suggest that you should use another word for "brain". Given the time-era that I think it is in, the word "brain" doesn't really reflect that.

Her mother seemed like a frail woman, soft spoken and physically petite. But living with Amarie's father for so long had hardened her heart and her defense had become sorcery. She secretly showed Amarie which herbs would heal and which ones could kill. She taught Amarie the skills of a mindbender and was the one that honed Amarie's senses to match those of a High Elf. And in the end she entrusted Amarie with her bitterness for all men.

Then at the age of fifteen her mother finally had her vegence and killed both her father and herself.


I don't actually feel any emotion from the above. It's not a wise move to give the reader a brief history of the main character so early in the narrative as you would not have enough unique details to make it convincing for the reader. The concept of her past is fine with me, it's just that it shouldn't be presented so early as it's just telly.

Overall impressions:

Hrmm so far this is OK. Your writing and ideas are solid enough to make me want to read more of this. Consider my points above. So far, I don't really see anything that makes me feel excited about this. I think it's because I keep on getting this typical fantasy sort of vibe from this. Must be me.

Your main character is interesting to me at the moment as I want to know more about why she is independent, carries weapons with her and how her tragic past influences her actions and thoughts. I guess I'll have to read the other parts a bit later on then :)

Expect another critique from me soon. Hope this helped.

Andy.




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Fri Jun 20, 2008 5:12 am
Alteran wrote a review...



Moriah Leila wrote: The bow and arrows strapped across her back gave her courage. She could decapitate any advisary within mere seconds with the short sword sheathed in a leather scabbard at her side. And should either of these weapons fail her, Amarie was confident of the damage she could inflict with the daggers hidden in each of her black boots. Still, Amarie found herself quickening her pace as the sky began to turn a dark violet.


You just missed a comma in there. It's in red.

This is nice, You have a very well written and descriptive piece. My only concern is the very beginning. Maybe move it around a bit so you can get the story moving a bit more. You give us her back story, which we need, but it might be better to have it later so your beginning doesn't drag.




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Fri Jun 20, 2008 4:14 am
Clo wrote a review...



Amazing opening sentence. :shock: I love it!

As of late the thoughts that seemed to be taking [s]about[/s] the most space in her brain were those of her parents


Her father had never really wanted her, he made it perfectly clear that his affections were reserved for his son.

This sentence needs more than just a comma in between the two parts. Either an "and" or a semicolon will do. Make it flow real nice.

Then at the age of fifteen her mother finally had her vegence and killed both her father and herself.

vengeance. And oh my god, I can't believe her mother did that! What a bitter woman she must have been, and to leave her daughter behind like that. I guess she felt she had prepared her though. :(

But now, here in the land of Chevara where she had settled temporarily,[comma should be here] she wondered what her parents would think of her presently


This is very well written. I like Amarie, and can't wait to see who she meets in that tavern. :wink:





Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.
— "Hamlet," William Shakespeare